Patience may be a virtue, but I don't have it

Have you ever wanted something so badly, that you actually could feel your body tensing and itching? Your skin gets heated, and your cheeks turn red, and all you can think about is that one thing that you just absolutely have to have, right this second.

Maybe that doesn’t happen to you, but it most certainly happens to me. And if I can’t have that one thing, I get really disappointed.

Patience (or lack thereof) and disappointment are a deadly combination. The less patient you are, the more likely you’ll be disappointed. It’s so funny to me that I can identify this, and yet I often find myself disappointed and upset over something I needed to wait for. Ridiculous, right?

We’re only human. And humans are capable of a range of emotions, powerful ones at that. Disappointment is a big one. Being disappointed can lead to frustration (my tendency), despondency, anger, and sadness, among other things. We all do it. We all feel it. So why do I not get better?

In the grand scheme of things, waiting for something is really not such a big deal. In fact, waiting for something is probably the best method to go by. If you’re considering spending a lot of money, sometimes it’s best to think about it for awhile, even if you don’t want to. In my case, waiting a month to buy that dress that I just need to have often ends up being not so cute when I go back and look at it. Sometimes, I still like it. And if that’s the case, great. I made the right decision. But if I go back and I’m not impressed, I end up being happy that I waited.

Patience is so difficult. Being patient is not something that comes easily, and I seriously admire those that have mastered it. I’m all about the here-and-now, making-things-happen mentality. I hate being patient. Why should I wait to buy these shoes when they’re right in front of me, right now? Who knows where they’ll be in a month? If I wait a month to come back and they’re gone, I’ll be disappointed. I have to wait a week to see you? I thought we had planned this. Are you crazy? I can’t wait that long! (But really, I can. I don’t have a choice, most of the time..)

See how I run into problems?

Disappointment, in my opinion, stems from expectations that aren’t met. This can be applied to any situation out there. If you think something is going to happen, and it doesn’t, chances are you’ll be disappointed (I’m so insightful). I normally like to turn to self-pity at this point in life and feel bad for myself. After ten minutes of pouting and crying, though, I normally smarten up.

Life sucks sometimes. Let’s face it: it just does. Additionally, life rarely goes as planned. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother trying to map things outs because it just doesn’t happen. It makes me nuts. But, if I’m really being honest with myself, I enjoy the spontaneity of life. And as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that the sucking is important, because it makes the greatness that much better. I know that sounds cliche, but I haven’t truly and thoroughly understood the implications of that statement until the last few months. A few blog posts ago, my heart was broken. I couldn’t see how I would recover.

I would never, ever, deny that my heart wasn’t broken. And, at the time, I really thought I would be upset for an extended period of time. It’s only been a few months, and yet I feel like an entirely different person. That break up doesn’t even sound like my own. The best part is that my heart is open to the possibility of a new relationship down the road. I knew I would get to this point, but I didn’t think I would get to it for a long time.

Let’s also realize that, most of the time, what I’m pouting about is hardly ever a huge deal. I move on pretty quickly. There’s always another cute dress, and there’s always another pair of shoes. When it is a big deal, then I turn to all the facets of my life that affect me positively. I am so lucky, because I have unending support and I am incredibly blessed. I never forget that.

There’s always another thing to look forward to in life, which is what I have now. It’s a bit further away than I thought it would be, but it’s there. And just knowing that it’s there gives me motivation and excitement.

So, patience isn’t my best strength. I like to distract myself as much as possible so I don’t have to be patient for what I want. But I do have strength in knowing that there’s always something ahead, and that I’ll get there.

My best friend gave me a compass to put on my wall for Christmas. I look at it every day. It’s not just something to make my room less bland: this compass is perfect for me at this time in life. I have a direction, and I know where I’m going. I may have to be patient to get to my destination, but I’ll get there. I will never lose sight of who I am and where I’m headed.

Not all who wander are lost.

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